The Rules
October 28, 2006
October 27, 2006
October 26, 2006
October 19, 2006
October 18, 2006
October 17, 2006
October 16, 2006
October 15, 2006
October 14, 2006
ALL QUIET ON THE HILL TOP FRONT
Safety and Security waited with baited breath today for the phone in their Co-ed based bunker to shrill. At the stroke of midnight, something even less expected than a gruesome death floated across the trench lines from Rundstrom, Sohre, Prairie View, Southwest, and Uhler: a song.
"And as we lie beneath the stars
We realize how small we are
If they could love like you and me
Imagine what the world could be...
"Singing Amen, I, I'm alive
Singing Amen, I, I'm alive"
The lyrics are reported to be from "If Everyone Cared", a song by Canadian artists Nickleback. This was followed by "Kumbaya", and a moving rendition of "Hakuna Matata". Authorities are reportedly shaken by this latest turn of events. The official coroners' reports from yesterday's fatal arm scratching and Saturday's back-stabbing have confirmed initial suspicions that the weapons used were weighted with Canadian pennies. Inquires have been started regarding the role of the Canadian government in the campus' recent string of murders.
"Gustavus has this situation under control," reports Safety and Security's nuclear arms expert, "very under control."
BASEBALL EXPLODES; KILLS ORHPANS, PUPPIES
The fundraiser for St. Francis Animal Shelter which had been long planned by the children of the local orphanage took a tragic turn today as a home-run exploded off the bat and sent shrapnel racing into socially conscious youngsters and fluffy animals alike. The death toll among the parentless and the puppies is not yet known, but initial reports make it clear that the field of daisies in which they played will never be the same again.
St. Francis Animal Shelter, in conjunction with Canadians for Peace, is planning to hold a pancake breakfast to raise funds for the survivors. Donations directly to their families are not being accepted at this time.