The Rules
October 28, 2006
October 27, 2006
October 26, 2006
October 19, 2006
October 18, 2006
October 17, 2006
October 16, 2006
October 15, 2006
October 14, 2006
SCARY MAN IN CAMO PLAYS HOT POTATO WITH COLD GRENADE
At approximately 2:30PM today, an unidentified bearded man in combat fatigues sent a little piece of modern warfare sailing through the Classics department. The hand grenade is said to have arced majestically before crashing into the wall approximately 18 inches from the head of presumed target, Jon Carlson, were it proceeded to bounce quietly to the floor with a minimum of exploding. Reports a stunned Carlson: "Throwing a frag grenade and having it explode 5 feet away from you -- you would die too, yes?" The scary man is reported to have fled the scene in a Caf-ward direction. Authorities are investigating this latest attempt on Carlson's life, and any connection it may have with the weekends' eleven deaths.
The hand grenade has been painted white with red stitching, and has been donated to a local orphanage for use in their upcoming baseball fundraiser for the St. Francis Animal Shelter.
NUCLEAR ATTACK FAILS TO KILL; ONE DEAD
The fire department responded today to a brief but glorious blaze on the third floor of IC, just before 7:00PM. The victim died shortly after being extinguished, but managed one last gasp through his blackened lips:
"Warn... Sariha..."
Authorities are still investigating what this cryptic statement means. Thankfully the fire was contained by IC's unprecedented high-quality walls and sprinkler system. Besides one well-done corpse, no one else was injured.
On a more alarming note, a small nuclear device was found in the room, set to go off in the case of forced entry. Seeing as his assailant lobed an incendiary grenade through his window, this seems to have been ample cause to trigger the countdown. Thankfully, Safety and Security's nuclear arms expert was able to defuse the device before it roasted the entire campus. One shaken fireman spoke with us:
"I keep picturing the Big Partners on fire. Oh God! And the Little Partners, too!"
The BPLP program was hosting a scavenger hunt on campus, a scant few buildings away from the Doomsday IC.
Miraculously, having an incendiary grenade go off in the same room did not trigger the weapon.
CAFETERIA KILLER EATS BULLET
The Cafeteria Killer, wanted for stabbing a well-fed Gustie this last Saturday in the campus' string of purely inexplicable and wholly unrelated murders, struck again on this ill-fated night. His target: the boyfriend of a corpse. His method: a bite to eat, a friendly conversation, and a walk-behind-him-back-to-the-dorm. His weapon: a sturdy yellow ribbon. The necrophiliac was taken from behind, sources say, and left with his throat tied prettily.
Breaking with his profile, the Cafeteria Killer proceeded to the dorm room of his next victim with a corpse girl's scimitar. This reporter thinks he'd lost his appetite for Caf-based killings. Or, perhaps, they just weren't seasoned like they used to be. In any case, the move outside of his preferred revenue proved unpalatable: his presumed target soon reported to police that the Cafeteria Killer had been shot to death outside of his room. Police are still investigating who ended the menace's binge of death.
DISPOSIBLE DORM TO BE CONVERTED TO MOBILE COFFIN
Following the fifth death in Prairie View--a lethal scratch and some quick, painless poison on the arm of a white haired boy--Res Life spoke candidly:
"We've really been thinking, 'Huh. How are we going to get all these corpses back to their families?' We were brainstorming, and then someone joked, 'Hey, doesn't Prairie View have wheels?' We all laughed, but when we sat down to planning it out, it all sort of fell together. To repaint the walls white, clean the kidneys out of the carpet, scrub off the contact poison from the doors--not to mention the noxious odor in the boy's hall--that takes a lot of money. When you add in the cost of renting the mortuary for who knows how many bodies, it turns out it's really more cost-effective to just take the cinder blocks out from under it and get it rolling. We feel like the parents will feel more involved, this way--a little piece of the campus will bring their students home."
When asked how they were going to deal with the smell, officials upbeatly answered, "Why do you think we spent that money on air conditioning units? We always knew something like this would happen."
Indeed, wheels on dormitories have been linked indisputably by recent studies to deteriorative insanity, anti-socialism, and manslaughter.
The survivors of the slaughter will be moved into Mattson until tents in the Arb can be arranged. Resident Stephanie Erlandson spoke to us with relief; "Mattson will be nice, but I just don't feel safe with all that... foundation. I'm really glad Res Life is letting us move into singles tents. There's not even a surcharge!"