---

AUTHORITIES MAKE ARRESTS IN STUNNING CAMPUS KILLING CONCLUSION

At approximately 4PM today something unusual was found in the Prairie View Mortuary: a corpse. The victim, presumed to be approximately 30 seconds dead from her shocked postmortem staring, was identified to be one of the fiends wanted in connection with the recent string of villainous slaughters on campus. The unexpected find of a so-called "target card" in her wallet lead to a break in the case.

Authorities burst into Confer 128 at approximately 8:30PM. After subduing two trained attack wolves, a crazy man with a sword, a crazy man with a tinfoil hat, and a host of dangerous loonies, three arrests were made. Only one conviction is expected.

The first suspect, Sariha Ahmed, escaped police custody and boldly fled in a Caf-ward direction. The second, one Ryan Ike, violently broke free, reclaimed his yellow Tommy gun from shocked officers, and gave chase. The corpses of both were discovered approximately fifty feet later, shot, stabbed, and exploded. On a tragic note, this final death match appears to have claimed the life of a presumably innocent passerby. Authorities are being tight-lipped on the subject until DNA scrapings of the sidewalk return from the lab. Says the coroner: "My first thought was 'Well shucks, those two homicidal Gusties just saved me a lot of dissecting.' Because, you know, there was only that severed hand of Sariha's left. My second thought was, 'Wow. I'm a horrible person.'"

The third creature taken into custody was zombie Geoff Wessendorf, who defied medical applications of corpse-desecration, mother-insulting, and Bush-administration-appointing to raise from his burial site in an ancient Indian gambling ground. Authorities now suspect him of being a terrorist. Some go so far as to speculate upon his being a Canadian terrorist.

The Bush Administration denies any affiliation with Geoff. Plans are currently in the works to ship him to Guantanamo Bay and, later, to Li'l Guantanamo, contingent upon its construction at the former site of Moscow. As of yet, the UN is still resisting US attempts to buy Russia.

Will this final day of death be the end of the murders which have so shocked our campus? This reporter can confidentially and without any evidence say, "Yes."

This is Allison Mulvihill with Fox News, reporting.