ZOMBIE FOUND VERY DEAD

A quickly decaying body was unmercifully assaulted as it wandered the campus early this morning, following its death earlier this morning. Its initial cause of death is reported to be a pistol hickey. Later, reports indicate, a grenade-induced bludgeoning appears to have kissed the back of its skull. Repeatedly. When the zombie protested that it wasn't getting any deader, its assailant is reported as having said, "Just making sure."

LIVELY CORPSE FOUND VERY VERY DEAD

A second corpse, as of yet unidentified, was found to have been peacefully stabbed through the back of the head. In light of the recent string of zombie sightings on campus, authorities are expected to desecrate the corpse and insult its mother before giving it a proper burial, in hopes that it will remain post-mortem. Burial in an ancient Indian gambling ground and appointment to the Bush administration have also been considered as effective deterrents to reanimation.

Assassination counseling, reconnaissance, and intelligence services available.
Contact Geoff Wessendorf. If you can't find me, you don't deserve my services.

Natalie & Allison's Weapon-Making and Letter-Opening Service

We hate you, too! A once-in-a-lifetime chance to acquire once-in-a-deathtime happiness, and you shmucks aren't even trying to get your grubby little paws in on it!
These corpse-like individuals will still gladly turn your raw materials into serial-killing machines, but you'd better ask nicely.
Also, their new and improved letter-opening service takes the "glare" out of "kick your ass"!

Prairie View 124
#6615